Linsey Lanier
Sally Kilpatrick
Sia Huff
Romily Bernard
Darcy Crowder
Marilyn Baron
Tami Brothers
Sandra Elzie
Carol Burnside
Debbie Kaufman
Maxine Davis
Tammy Schubert
Susan Carlisle
Pam Asberry
Lindy Chaffin StartAll That We See Or Seem…
All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream – Edgar Allen Poe
I won a poster with this quote on it at the county fair when I was a kid. I still have the poster. It’s a picture of a girl, turned away, sitting on a fallen log, deep in a wooded area with all the shades of green and brown muted, almost hazy. You can barely make out that she’s wearing a purple blouse. The picture doesn’t really matter here. It’s the quote that’s stayed in my mind all these years. And over the years its meaning has changed for me many times.
I recently wrote a story about a man who suffered a mishap earlier in life and has moved on quite nicely. But every time he looks back, he views this incident in his past negatively. Until, during the course of the story, he comes to realize that his life, had this mishap never occurred, would have been quite different. Maybe, in fact, all the things he loves and cherishes now, would have never come to pass. We all know hindsight is twenty-twenty. But this wasn’t based on a choice he made, this was something that happened to him and changed the course of his life. And so, he realizes that what he once thought of as a negative could actually be viewed as a positive – if looked at from a different angle.
And then there are the people we come into contact with in our lives. Who among us hasn’t made an instant judgment about someone, based on their appearance, who they were with or maybe the way they spoke? And I’m willing to bet that most of us have met someone who we’ve had some type of relationship with, and then suddenly had our eyes opened to the fact they weren’t who we thought. Or even worse, found ourselves on the wrong end of that equation and been the one misjudged?
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all live by that golden rule: Judge not, lest ye also be judged?
But really, aren’t most things in life seldom what they seem? Isn’t that all a part of growing up and growing wise? Learning how to navigate the twists and turns and sometimes taking the unexpected road to find ourselves in a better place?
What about you? What or who have you realized wasn’t what you thought? Was it better or worse? What have you learned to look at from a different angle?
Tags: Darcy Crowder, Edgar Allen Poe, impressions, judgements
About the author
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Darcy Crowder | Darcy Crowder is a PRO member of Romance Writers of America, and has served on the board of Georgia Romance Writers, where she continues to be an active member. She is lucky enough to live in a log cabin in the woods, surrounded by family, nature, and endless inspiration for her novels.
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April 15th, 2010 at 6:17 am
There have been several events and people in my life that weren’t what or why they seemed. One event lasted for a few years. At the beginning of a relationship, I thought the guy was ‘the one’. Looking back, I can see where I lost myself because I held on to the thought that he was the guy I was supposed to be with. Unfortunately, I didn’t open my eyes and really see what was there for a long time. I can’t even begin to describe how happy I am that the relationship ended.
Joining the army was a huge commitment that changed my life completely and in some unexpected ways. If I had not done that, I would be on a completely different track in life.
Great post, Darcy.
April 15th, 2010 at 7:06 am
I’ve always considered myself to have good gut instincts about people. Generally, upon first meeting someone, I have an idea whether that person should be trusted or not. Just a tad “black & white”, but like Popeye, I yam what I yam–and I’m right more often than not.
Sadly, I’ve recently been involved in a situation where I must deal with an untrustworthy person quite often. I smile, I’m polite, and since this person is in a position of authority, I respect that position, if not the person. But my eyes are always open to the fact that this person is dangerous to me. Like the mongoose, I dare not allow myself to be mesmerized by the cobra.
April 15th, 2010 at 7:50 am
I used to be a negative thinker. I think it’s in the genes, but a few years ago, I read some terrific self-help books that proposed that happiness comes from putting a positive “spin” on events in your life. Sometimes that’s hard to do, but I’ve found it’s worth the effort. It’s also easy to forget to do that. Thanks for reminding me, Darcy. I needed that right now.
April 15th, 2010 at 8:45 am
Beautiful post. Going forward I’m going to take that advice when I meet, deal with people.
Marilyn
April 15th, 2010 at 8:48 am
Unlike Cinthia,
I know I’m not a very good character. I’m not sure why, but my mother says that even though I’m a very pesimistic person, I don’t use that pesimism to judge others.
I guess to me, at first meeting, most people seem good. I usually find out too late that some of them will gladly stab you in the back.
My husband is an excellent judge of character. It’s like he’s got this sixth-sense, a bull shit meter of sorts, that he uses on everyone. I just trust what he says about a person and I’m never disapointed.
I guess that’s what makes him so good at his career…mentally weeding out bad employees from good is a useful ability.
I never heard that Poe quote. It’s beautiful. No wonder my father likes him so much…the guy wrote some creepy tales, but he’s also got the voice of a poet.
Thought provoking post Darcy.
Have an excellent, productive day!
Tamara
April 15th, 2010 at 9:17 am
Great post, Darcy. I know what you mean and how you are feeling. Like Tamara, I’ve always been the too trusting type. I’ve always had the habit of not trusting situations and making sure I do things that people couldn’t get the wrong idea about, but when I was young I couldn’t do that with people. Thank heavens I’m better at it (notice I didn’t say I was great, but not as naive).
Regarding accepting the past for the impact it has had on my life today, that is hard to do. Yet, I’ve found myself doing just that lately. Especially as I write the YA novel I started where a woman goes back in time to relive the worst day of her life. Where I thought I’d change things if I could, I’m beginning to see how sometimes that’s not the best course of action. It is our past experiences that have made us who we are today and I like that I’m much smarter than I was in my teens and 20’s because of those past experiences.
Thanks for a very thought provoking post, Darcy.
Tami
April 15th, 2010 at 10:09 am
I love the premise of your YA novel!
I tend to beat myself up over things I did recently, but let go of things in the past rather easily — chalk it up to crummy memory for personal moments (but I’d be great on Jeopardy).
Great post!
April 15th, 2010 at 10:26 am
I tend to live by the idea that every liar lives in their own truth. I try to accept flawed people as just that – which is sometimes inconvenient. I also usually have a sixth sense about people and it’s usually accurate. I try not to judge but I also will not let a flawed person too close to my life.
April 15th, 2010 at 10:31 am
I’ve had a number of bad things that have happened in my life that I can look back at and say I learned from that or I wouldn’t known that person if it weren’t for that event.
As for judging people, I work with a guy that isn’t by any means good looking. Few women would give him a shot a first meeting, but he is one of the neatest, interesting, smart, and truly fun guys I know. You just have to get passed that traditional first impression and down to the stuff that counts. I use him as an example to my kids of getting to know a person before you judge them.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:01 am
Darcy –
I’ve always been one who wants to wait and make up my mind on anyone, no matter how bad – or good – opinions on that person run. I’ve made friends with people that others have warned me away from only to find out the person was not a snob or hard butt or whatever…sometimes they were actually shy (one gorgeous woman was very shy that everyone “assumed” was full of herself).
On the other hand, I’ve been on the receiving end of misjudged, but figure the people who either are my friends or have the potential to be my friend will judge for themselves.
I may not be back over here today or tomorrow because I’m guest blogging for Barbara (Vey) today and heading up to Decatur for the GRW event this weekend.
If I don’t see everyone this Saturday – have a wonderful weekend!
April 15th, 2010 at 11:09 am
Tammy – I know what you mean about relationships…I’ve had my eyes opened a time or two. Seen others get caught in painful traps. I’m glad you’re so happy now.
And thank you for serving our country. We need more people like you in places of honor.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Cinthia – I’ve been exactly where you are now, and it’s not easy. But it sounds like you’re definitely on your toes. I love this sentence: But my eyes are always open to the fact that this person is dangerous to me. Like the mongoose, I dare not allow myself to be mesmerized by the cobra.
If only we could all be this savvy.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Hi Linsey, Marilyn – I agree completely that we’re all much healthier, happier people when we learn the art of the positive spin!
April 15th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Hey Tamara & Tami! I sit squarely in your camp. I usually always expect that people are good and genuin. I’ve been bitten by that cobra at least once too often and am learning to ease back on my expectations. I guess that’s the real lesson of first impressions. Try not to assume the worst of people right off, but also learn to give even the good impressions time to prove themselves out before you get too invested.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Hi Anna. I’m with you – I tend to beat myself up a bit too much. But you have to let go of the past if you want to be sane.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:33 am
Michelle -
“I tend to live by the idea that every liar lives in their own truth.”
Great quote! And so very true.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Hi Susan. Your friend sounds like a great guy. And your kids have been lucky to learn that lesson early on.
April 15th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Hi Dianna! Thanks for stopping by. I’ll definitely jump over to Barbara’s blog today.
Being misjudged can really be painful, but I agree – it’s when you find out who your true friends are.
April 15th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Darcy–interesting post and great food for thought since I’ve had to wrestle with some unexpected deaths this year. One was a former student of mine, the kind of kid who gives all teachers hope that someone is going to take care of us on our dotage. Most recently, my baby sitter lost her mother just a year after losing her father. I have to try to trust that God will explain these things in good time and that he will be able to work some kind of good out of so much bad.
As for me personally, I wanted to go to grad school straight out of college, but I put my plans on hold to, first, let my husband continue working at a radio station then to take a teaching job so we could move to Atlanta. At the time it felt as though I was giving something up, but now I’m glad I didn’t go straight to grad school. I would have ended up a professor writing about what others wrote instead of writing myself.
April 15th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Interesting, thought-provoking post, Darcy.
I’ve often wondered what path my life would’ve taken if my dad hadn’t died when I was only nine. But the truth is, I probably never would have met the man I’ve been married to for 30 years, which means I wouldn’t have the two wonderful children I have. So, it is what it is. You can’t wish away the bad without losing a lot of wonderful too.
I’ve been on the other side of the snap-judgement spectrum, where someone judged me to be something I’m not. It’s deeply painful, so I try not to judge quickly. There are a few rare people whom I’ve encountered and experienced an instant aversion. Those I usually treat with extreme caution, but still try to reserve making a definitive judgement about their character until I have more to go on.
I guess I subscribe to the Golden Rule of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
April 15th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Sally, condolences to you and your babysitter on your recent losses.
I’ve had times when I had to put my dreams on the backburner, but it is gratifying, isn’t it, when we finally come into our own.
April 15th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Hi Carol!
“You can’t wish away the bad without losing a lot of wonderful too.”
That’s what the fabric of life is all about, isn’t it?
April 15th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Hi Darcy,
I always want to like people and even if I’ve heard gossip, I prefer to get to know them a little bit and judge for myself.
It has always surprised me if someone seemed nice for awhile and turns on a dime and stabs me in the back or becomes mean. I don’t understand that, but I’ve seen it happen a few times over the years.
I figure what goes around will come around and “nice” people will be repaid with more Nice than Mean and the opposite, I think, holds true also.
Sandy
April 15th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Darcy,
Great post. I’m of the opinion that all happens for a reason, you just have to figure it out…or not.
I’ve been burned many a time, but I go into any relationship thinking the best of others. I can’t not be that way. Call me Pollyana, but I figure what goes around, comes around!
Have a great weekend!
Ana
April 15th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
Hi Anna! Sandy! I agree with you both – what goes around comes around. And I’d rather give people the benefit of a doubt than to always expect the worst. That said, I think it’s always a good idea to move with caution.
April 15th, 2010 at 9:02 pm
Darcy, I really enjoyed your post and love the quote.
Me? I’m too quick to think people are not going to stab me in the back. Sometimes people have to tell me there is a handle and “part” of a blade showing in my back.
I think with age comes a little more wisdom along that line. I certainly hope so.
April 15th, 2010 at 10:23 pm
I once met this lady named Darcy. She was like a delicate flower. Quiet, still, pretty. I thought I knew her based on appearances. Then this storm came and I found out that she was really a tiger. She couldn’t be stepped on and happened to be a lovely writer, too.
Sometime I think appearance protect us! I don’t mind the knives in the back. I’m always curious about those that are passive aggressive or who gossip or who try to subtly undermine. I’m embarrassed for them. Those people should go away.
I look for the good in everyone and try to ignore the bad parts!
April 19th, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Hi Anna! Sandy! I agree with you both – what goes around comes around. And I’d rather give people the benefit of a doubt than to always expect the worst. That said, I think it’s always a good idea to move with caution.