Linsey Lanier
Sally Kilpatrick
Sia Huff
Romily Bernard
Darcy Crowder
Marilyn Baron
Tami Brothers
Sandra Elzie
Carol Burnside
Debbie Kaufman
Maxine Davis
Tammy Schubert
Susan Carlisle
Pam Asberry
Lindy Chaffin StartLove Is A Curious Thing
Love is a Curious Thing
By: Sandy Elzie
I was reading an article the other day in a Ladies Home Journal magazine from August 2008. It was written by Rick Warren and was entitled LISTENING WITH LOVE.
Over the past few decades, my husband and I have learned never to allow disagreements to get to the argument stage. In fact, the longer we’re together, the less we disagree about anything that crops up in our daily lives. I guess you could say we’re growing more and more alike as time goes on.
So, what was Rick Warren saying that caught my attention and held it to the point that I decided to write about it? He was talking about, in my words, actively listening to each other so we can actively love each other.
Since I retired from a career in Accounting, I’ve worked at establishing a new career. I write romance…fiction about a hero and heroine meeting, falling in love and overcoming any obstacle that stands in their way of living happily ever after. To quote Mr. Warren, “It sounds easy, but can be difficult to do, especially in the heat of an argument.” Now, he was talking about it being difficult to Listen With Love, but when you think about it, that’s what marriage …in fact, almost any relationship, is all about. Isn’t love when you listen to the other person, determine his or her needs and then try to give them what they need? That’s what makes marriages (and our stories) strong.
In the article, Rick Warren discusses how there is a right way to settle an issue between two people. I’ve listed his six points, but then I paraphrased after that for the sake of space.
1) “Choose the Right Time”. Not when you’re tired, frustrated or leaving the house soon, but, rather, when you can have the other person’s full attention for a period of time sufficient enough to settle the issue.
2) “Open The Lines Of communication”. The definition of ‘communication’ is to transmit or make ideas known or to exchange information or opinions. Please note that communication is not one-sided, but rather both sharing thoughts back and forth…preferably at a low decimal.
3) “Listen Before You Answer”. Did he really have to remind us to listen instead of using the moments while the other speaks their opinion to formulate our own argument?
4) “Say What You Mean”. Let your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no. Don’t allow your answers to hang in mid-stream as a maybe or a shrug. Be sure your body language is the same as what’s coming from your mouth. Would you tell your child to be home “early” if you wanted them home by 5:00pm?
5) “Get Closure”. At the end of the discussion, regardless of how heated some of the words might have become, restate what you both agreed on. Be sure you both heard the same thing and then the issue, hopefully, will be settled for all time and won’t come up again.
6) “End With An Encouraging Word”. At the end of the discussion, regardless of how long it lasted or how heated it might have been, Rick Warren says to reaffirm your commitment to and love of the other person and even if the problem isn’t totally solved, at least confirm that you feel there’s progress.
It’s sad to think that marriages end over disagreements and misunderstandings. So, smile, try not to live in the past, but rather look forward to a brighter and better tomorrow.
If you would share an experience you’ve had…and the method you used to resolve the conflict…maybe it will help others to avoid some potholes.
Tags: Rick Warren, Sandra Elzie
About the author
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Sandra Elzie | http://SandraElzie.com Sandy moved to Georgia four years ago and within two years she had sold her first book to Avalon Books. She has since sold two books and has recently started e-pubbing her list of books under the name of Sandra McGregor. She is married and enjoys traveling, reading and spending time watching movies with her husband.
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June 11th, 2010 at 12:35 am
Great post, Sandy.
My children have never seen my husband and I get into a full-blown fight or argument. And that is really a huge accomplishment, given my tendencies early in the relationship to fly off the handle. In fact, the first time he did something to make me angry, I threw a cup at him and it barely missed his head, shattering against the wall behind him.
He just looked at me and walked out the door with, “When you feel better, give me a call.”
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to have a temper tantrum by yourself?
I learned my lesson. We have had our share of disagreements, mind you, but I’ve learned that waiting until the right moment to bring it up and then discussing it is infinitely better than screaming and yelling, or giving someone the silent treatment.
And it’s worked so far…35 years together this summer and 33 years of marriage!
Anna
June 11th, 2010 at 5:06 am
Anna,
Congrats on the decades of happiness. Girl, you and I have more in common than you ever knew…except mine was a hair brush…which also missed. This was followed by me shoving everything on the bathroom counter off onto the floor. We had been married only about a month.
My husband turned to look at the wall, sighed, then walked over, squatted down and started picking up the things off the floor.
I was sooooo angry…and his reaction was soooo frustrating. LOL But it didn’t take too many months for him to convince me that discussing was better than a fiery temper.
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 8:23 am
Great post!
We only fight over stuff that doesn’t really matter — and it’s the same things over and over that he baits me with. I really need to learn some strategy to not snap at that bait. HELP!
June 11th, 2010 at 8:32 am
The biggest arguments of our marriage so far? Whether or not Kate Chopin’s The Awakening should be a part of the literary canon and whether or not my hometown Barbecue Festival should be considered a festival since they only have one person selling barbecue.
That’s not to say that we don’t have tiffs here or there or even a good old fashioned yelling match every once in a while (last one was over how to encourage son to eat breakfast), but for the most part we do listen to each other. If we have a tiff, it’s usually in the morning. Then we go our separate ways, feel remorse, and call and make up. It nags at me until I fix it, and I know he does the same things because sometimes he’s the one calling me.
I don’t know what else to add other than the fact I joke we already agree on all of the important things: religion, politics, and college football.
June 11th, 2010 at 8:36 am
I had to laugh at Anna’s reaction. I too have a fiery temper, but the problem is my husband is very mellow and doesn’t respond to it. Very frustrating. I have thrown things (a hairbrush, probably) but he is very calm and nothing riles him.
We’ve known each other 40 years, and next week we’ll celebrate our 36th anniversary.
But just this morning as he was rushing out the door for an appointment, he realized he hadn’t made his lunch so I started helping him and when he opened up the refrigerator he made a comment about how messy it was.
Hello! Don’t even go there. So I threw the baggie I’d prepared with turkey and cheese back into the fridge to let him find it.
So, Sandy’s advice about not resolving things when you’re walking out the door is good.
Marilyn
June 11th, 2010 at 9:09 am
Great post, Sandy! Something a lot of people really need.
I’ve been married 19 years this July and I honestly can count all the arguments my hubby and I have had on one hand. That is NOT due to me, though. I grew up in a household where we did our talking with our fists and a whole lot of yelling. I use to play fight with my cousins, in fact I’d usually come home from a visit with them covered in bruises. The first time I punched my husband in the arm (in a playful manner, but seriously, we hit hard!), he looked at me and said, “I don’t hit you. You don’t hit me. Got it?” Yep, got it. Never did it again.
I have been approached by people who fight all the time who ask me where the passion is if you don’t get to make up. I just respond that “making up” isn’t the only way to have a great bedroom relationship…grin…
Thanks for some great tips.
Tami
June 11th, 2010 at 9:11 am
Sandy,
I really enjoyed your post. Good advice.
During a “misunderstanding” not long after we’d been married, I called him a bad name. We had both been loud. With that word, he stopped and in a calm voice said, “We’ll never call each other names.” I cried, we hugged,it was over. And we don’t call each other names.
Now, after “explaining” how we feel when we “think differently,” it usually ends up with us laughing.
I agree Sandy – the longer we’re together, 35 1/2 yrs. so far, the more we think alike.
June 11th, 2010 at 11:31 am
30 yrs for me, but I’ve known him for…(thinking here)…38.
Growing up, I never saw fights between my parents, never learned how to deal with real strife in a relationship. As a result I think I had a tendency early on to just knuckle under to keep the peace.
That has changed, but we still discuss rationally. No threats, no names, no throwing.
I think Rick Warren had some great advice there.
June 11th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Hi Anna,
Try just smiling. (regardless of what’s going on inside) Bite your tongue if you have to. If he’s “baiting” you, then be quiet and silently count to ten…and by then you won’t probably won’t need to respond to him.
Let us know if it works.
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Sally, Gosh, it’s good to hear that you and hubby have all the important things covered. (religion, politics & football).
It’s also good to hear that you save tiffs for the other important stuff in life…Books & BBO. (g)
It’s neat that you both share in the responsibility of saying “I’m sorry”
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Marilyn,
Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Mine is calm, doesn’t get riled…I told him he was like the sun…the same day after day. (reliable and predictable, but that doesn’t mean boring!)
But I’ve got to tell you, girl, I LOL about you throwing the food back in the refrig for him to deal with. (Not that I”D EVER do such a thing…she said with her tongue in her cheek.”
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Tami,
Yes, making up after a “difference of opinion” can be a lot of fun, but when you don’t fight, you have to be inventive.
A couple years ago we were having a calm discussion. Suddenly he stopped speaking mid-sentence and asked me…”Are we fighting yet?” He was wiggling his eyebrows up and down like the guy in Magnum PI. We both started laughing, but we decided to kiss and make up just for the fun of it. (Gotta love retirement and being together…alone, at lunchtime every day)
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Maxine,
I can’t picture you yelling or throwing anything.
The only names we’ve ever called each other were in a joking tone.
He won’t argue…refuses…so I once told him he was just sitting there like a Spinx.
This morning he told me I was Queen for the day…and he bowed at the waist. (Hey, what are birthdays for except to get the Queen treatment?)
Carol,
I married young and spoiled. I had to learn (on the fast track) to bridle my temper. I can’t remember the last time we argued in anger vs just playing around.
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I’m celebrating my 26th anniversary June 23. The key to making it work is to always communicate and never go to sleep mad at each other. My husband and I don’t really argue, we say what we have to say and then move on without holding grudges. But most importantly, we still dream together. We talk about the things we want to accomplish and the places we want to visit. Dreaming provides hope and gives us something to work toward as a team.
June 11th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
We’re almost to 33 years and learning how to actively listen is a big reason we’ve gotten this far. Bill and I used to “coach” marriage workshops and specifically teach this skill.
Anna S. pointed out that there are still those things that the other one does that get you to rise to the bait. Oh, yeah. What I hate about this one is that I have to look within myself to find out why that particular thing DH says or does sets me off. It usually involves (for most of us) an old hurt, or it challenges something in our basic belief system (not religion) that we believe about ourselves or others. I hate those cause it makes me deal with my own stuff, LOL!
June 11th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Okay, I’m outting myself. I’m a yeller, screamer and stomper. I don’t throw anything, too cheap to have to replace something. I’ve been married almost 28 years so you have an idea of how cool headed my husband is. We fought more early on in the marriage. Now we just know how the other will feel about a certain subject. John Wayne said it best in McClintock, “After awhile you just get down to living.” I still yell but mostly about other people instead of being mad at him.
June 11th, 2010 at 11:55 pm
Pam,
Sorry I’m late to the party, but we went up to Stone Mt for my birthday.
Congrats on 26 years. In Calif (where I moved from in 2006, 26 years is really, really rare.
Ah, yes, dreaming together. That’s so important. It also tells the other that you intend to be together a lot longer in order to reach some of those dreams.
Sandy
June 11th, 2010 at 11:57 pm
Hi Deb,
Don’t ya just hate it when hubby says something that makes us look at the inner self? I also hate it when we disagree and then I realize that he’s right. LOL
Love also means saying you’re sorry…regardless of what that movie said years ago.
Sandy
June 12th, 2010 at 12:00 am
Susan,
You? Yell, scream & stomp? Nah!
Love the John Wayne quote. When things run along nice and easy (w/o the heated words and all) it sure does make hubby fun to be around. (g) Of course, he’d probably say the same about me.
It’s midnight, so Good night ladies,
Sandy
June 12th, 2010 at 2:12 am
I love that summation, Sandy. “Isn’t love when you listen to the other person, determine his or her needs and then try to give them what they need?” That’s the heart of it, imo. And like you said, it’s easier said than done.
I’ve noticed my hubby and I also argue less and less as time goes by. After awhile, it just isn’t worth the extra energy, LOL.
I loved reading the post and the comments. Great stuff.
Happy birthday, Sandy!
June 12th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Linsey,
Thanks for the BD wishes. I couldn’t believe how many Facebook wishes I got…didn’t know I had friended that many folks.
You’re right…arguing takes too much effort. I can think of a lot of things I’d rather use my energy for. (g)
Thanks for dropping by.
Sandy