Linsey Lanier
Sally Kilpatrick
Sia Huff
Romily Bernard
Darcy Crowder
Marilyn Baron
Tami Brothers
Sandra Elzie
Carol Burnside
Debbie Kaufman
Maxine Davis
Tammy Schubert
Susan Carlisle
Pam Asberry
Lindy Chaffin StartWalking the tightrope.
by Carol Burnside
I grew up in an era when mothers told their daughters to get along with those you didn’t like, make nice (or fake it), don’t hurt people’s feelings, be a good girl. That last one had all kinds of connotations from saying ‘yes, ma’am and sir’ to cryptic advice about keeping my legs together, but that’s a whole ‘nuther post. I also grew up in a Christian household, with truth being sacrosanct.
A consequence of my upbringing is that there’ve been times in my life when I’ve found myself walking a tightrope of decision between ‘being nice’ and telling the truth, when I knew the truth would hurt. Great internal conflict, when I’m writing fiction, but in real life, it’s like walking a tightrope.
I’ve found myself on the end of truths when it was unbelievably hurtful. I’ve also found myself the receiver of a nice, polite answer when what I really needed (and wanted) was the bald, honest truth. So, it seems there’s no clear cut solution to the age old problem.
An example of a time when being nice is preferred and expected: When your best friend asks you if her hips look big in these jeans/pants/shorts and the girl’s hips are as big as Texas. She’s already dressed to go out, your dates are waiting and it’s not like Girlfriend is going to lose those honker hips before you leave. So, you go for nice and figure the next time she opts for those chili-cheese fries, is the time to mention she’s not getting any smaller and it might be time to cut back.
An example of a time when the truth would’ve been a good thing: I once asked my best friend (we’ll call her Jane) if I looked fat. Okay, okay, before you start shouting that it’s the same thing, let me finish. I explained to Jane that I’d been incredibly skinny as a child and young adult, so I didn’t know if what I saw in the mirror was truth or a personal revulsion because I’d finally started gaining weight after having my kids and wasn’t used to seeing myself looking less than gaunt. I told her I thought I’d gained too much weight, was getting…well, fat. Furthermore, I explained that I’d been binging on snack foods and couldn’t seem to stop.
Jane was adamant that I looked perfectly fine, definitely not fat. Definitely. Not. Some weeks later, I saw a snapshot of myself and it hit me: She’d been nice when the truth would’ve served me well. I began to look at the less obvious reasons why I was gaining weight, or more specifically, why I felt so ravenously hungry all the time.
My son was gaining right along side of me and eating everything in sight. At his age, the eating wasn’t a red flag and his weight gain not as dramatic, but he’d always been a thin child. Then I realized we’d both started this behavior shortly after the doctor had put us both on a new allergy medication.
I had the doctor change my meds and as penance for not telling me the truth (Neither of us were fans of exercise.) roped Jane into power-walking with me in the evenings. She spent the whole first mile of laps explaining how she hadn’t wanted to hurt my feelings before I finally let her off the hook.
I think we both learned a valuable lesson from that one. And in case you’re wondering, no, I don’t have a clear cut rule for walking the tightrope. Sometimes, it really is a wise choice to be nice, but there are times when you have to care enough to tell the truth. Just be the net when your friend falls off that tightrope with you.
In fiction writing terms, the decision to ‘be nice’ or tell the truth is internal conflict. As writers, we love putting our characters in such positions, but in real life it’s not so fun. We’ve all had to walk the tightrope. Were you ‘nice’ or did you opt for the truth?
Tags: Carol Burnside, choices, nice, tightrope, truth
About the author
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Carol Burnside / Annie Rayburn | http://AnnieRayburn.com Annie delivers on the promise of "sizzling romance that tugs at your heart." Her books have soft scifi and light paranormal elements, but there's nothing soft or light about the erotic romance and she doesn't skimp on the emotion!
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July 5th, 2010 at 8:47 am
Good morning, Carol,
Being nice or telling the truth isn’t just conflict in a book. I think we’ve all been put in the position of doing one or the other and it’s an uncomfortable spot. (I hate it)
I’d say part of my choice on which to do was based on the individual. Can he/she handle the truth? Will they fly off the handle and react without thinking it through and realize the truth…and concern or love…behind the words? Will it cost me a friendship?
With hubby, we’ve agreed that honest is best…but then we know it’s always said with love and for improvement, not to tear the other down.
Sandy
July 5th, 2010 at 9:39 am
ah, Carol, I feel your pain on trying to figure out what to say when…and on walking again. I’ve been hitting the walking path for a couple weeks. Like Sandy, I weigh how I think my reply will be received – if that person really wants to hear the truth.
As for answering truthfully, I’m challenged most when determining if something is a problem with the potential to fester and only get worse for everyone involved or if avoiding the truth will be destructive to the one asking.
But no matter how truthful I am in any situation I take a moment to think of the most constructive way to say the words. And I generally ask myself – if I answer their question truthfully is it going to cause damage in any way to that person? And truth about personal things usually depends on how well I know the person – that I know them well enough to understand they are asking me for honesty and help, not just digging for a compliment or an easy agreement.
July 5th, 2010 at 10:19 am
Hey Carol. Both Sandy and Dianna have some great advice that I definitely plan to follow.
It’s tough to know where that line is. I have a friend who will ask questions like this expecting the canned answer. And I give it to her. She only wants affirmation that her decision is the right one, whether it is or not. She honestly doesn’t want to hear the truth if it isn’t what she’s looking for.
I have another friend who, when she asks me a question, wants the absolute truth; no matter how harsh it is.
Two very different people who I have to handle in different ways because that is what they expect from me.
Those are the easy ones, though. The people who fall in the middle of those two are the ones that make this decision so tough. Usually I make that decision based on the situation and even then, I tend to worry if it was the right one.
Best of luck with the exercising. I’ve started a program myself and am struggling like crazy to stick with it. I’ll be thinking of you as I’m walking this afternoon!
Tami
July 5th, 2010 at 10:35 am
I hope my characters stay true to life. Of course that means wrestling with what they say to each other. Right now my WIP has two characters who might be better off trying the “nice” sise for a change, LOL. Hey, it makes for some great dialogue.
July 5th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Excellent post. I struggle with the same thing – truth or feelings. I never thought about using this as internal conflict but, boy, it could really get something going. Thanks.
July 5th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Great post. I agree with handling different people differently. I recently lost a friend for telling her what she didn’t really want to hear. She asked me if she had hurt me and I thought she was ready to hear that she had and even though I couched it in gentle terms, she has not been able to get over me telling her the truth. Sad lesson to learn that I couldn’t share that her actions hurt me. So, yeah. I’ll be less honest now.
July 5th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Very thought-provoking post, Carol. Honesty, a deep subject. In my opinion, we all rationalize and we’re all in some degree of self-denial. I know I am, especially about weight. And then there’s the subjectivity of “fat.” Who defines what is “overweight,” any way? Are women subjecting themselves to some arbitrary standard set by the fashion magazines, a standard few can live up to?
If your friend tells you you’re not fat, what she may mean is that she accepts you as you are, even though you don’t look like a fashion model.
Do we really need a friend to validate that we’re overweight? Don’t we know it deep down? It’s our self-denial that makes us ask in the first place. But there’s one friend who will never lie to us. The scale.
July 5th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
This particular tightrope is a tough one. I think you ladies are right. Each individual situation and personality has to be considered.
Okay, as for the ‘fat’ question, let’s just say that I gained more than enough weight during my pregnancies and at the time I asked ‘Jane’ the question, I was rivaling, if not over, my full-term weight. I too heavy for my frame and felt fat. ‘Nuf said. That was, oh, gosh, nearly 20 yrs ago.
And that power walking? I really need to get back to it again.
July 5th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Great post, Carol. I was always told that if you didn’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. It’s hard. I’ve been on the wrong end of this too many times and it’s affected some of my friendships.
And that is so “internal conflict”!
Have a great week!
July 5th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Growing up in an environment where the truth is only whispered behind someone’s back, I’ve became an adult who was determined to speak the truth.
Whoa Nelly, that had to be overcome!
So I learned to be handy at slipping past a question I don’t want to answer in a way that gets me off the hook or makes the asker at least rephrase it.
(I learned this through a PR coach – you know, those folk who try to keep the politicians out of hot water.)
Not that it ALWAYS works for me but for the most part it is helpful to remember that you don’t HAVE to answer.
And having had weight/health issues in my past, (I havent’ stepped on a scale for over twenty years!) I’ve learned that there is greater value in ‘fitness’ level than size and appearance.
hmmm, now you’ve made me think about my character’s attitudes. thanks!
July 5th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
oops, feeling guilty for taking time from my ms and I didn’t stop to edit, appologies.
July 5th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Carol,
Great post. Yep, it’s a universal question – Should I be honest or nice? To tell the truth, I’m usually just nice. A few friends are close enough that when they say they want the truth, I tell the truth. Like one of the ladies said, most of us know the answer already.
July 5th, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Carol,
Great post. And that’s the truth. Linsey, the scale is not my friend. I’d rather do what Kathy does (or doesn’t) and not get on it.
I was always thin growing up and now that I’m not I still have that same body image. Weird (the mirror does lie) but I’m happy. I know I need to exercise for my health but I hate exercise.
As far as being honest, I’d rather lie than hurt someone’s feelings or at least evade the issue.
Marilyn
July 5th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
I was taught the same thing as Anna, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I agree with that little bit of advice.
I make a point to compliment people IF what I see is pleasing: Your new hair cut is so flattering, I love those shoes, You look amazing in that color.
If I compliment someone, on anything, whether it be clothing, hair or even their writing, it’s because I truly feel that way. I am very honest in that regard and I never, ever give false praise.
Now, if someone asks me my opinion and I don’t quite agree with their fashion choice, coif, or story telling ability I tell the ugly truth with finese by tactfully offering my opinion and then following up the critisism with a heartfelt compliment on something else.
Such as: No, those jeans don’t make you look fat, but the cut isn’t the most flattering on your figure. You have such great curves, you should show them off with high waisted jeans instead of hip huggers.
Waalaaa! If someone told me that I wouldn’t be insulted, in fact, I’d be grateful and ask where the best place to buy those jeans was.
Um, by the way, the best place to buy jeans for ANY figure is from a company called NOT YOUR DAUGHTER’S JEANS!! Fabulous!!
Great post Carol.
Have a nice evening,
Tamara
July 5th, 2010 at 9:04 pm
Hey!
Wow…my mom raised my sister and I to be nice to each other : ) Now everyone comments on how well behaved we are to each other! Lol….
I would have to agree with Maxine. I’ve got my few friends and family that I can be unconditionally honest with, but other than that, I’m just nice! I’m quiet and try not to be rude or say something that people would interpret as rude. So, yeah!
Nice post!
Since you all like food (I think, at least based on some of your other tabs), I wanted to tell you that I have a new post up on my blog (hcprojectjournal.blogspot.com) with a tasty summer treat! (You can put in the url or click on my name!) Tami signed up to be a follower yesterday, so hopefully you guys like it as much as her!!
Enjoy!
Hannah
July 6th, 2010 at 2:14 am
Thanks for weighing in (pun intended)on this subject everyone!
Hannah, I’m off to check out your blog recipe…
July 6th, 2010 at 8:24 am
Carol,
I hate I missed your post yesterday! (Curse that patchy reception in Alabama!) I think you could even take this debate one step farther because I think I avoided true conflict in my manuscript for many years because I had been taught to avoid conflict in real life. I had to have an editor give me the “harsh” truth that my pet manuscript had none before I could sit down and think about how hard I was trying to smooth things over for my characters!
July 6th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Sally, I had the same problem. Plus, I hated to make things too bad for them because it took me longer to get them together and that was the fun part to write. LOL! It made for some short stories.
July 6th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Hi Carol,
Thanks for checking it out. Did you, by any chance, leave a comment? Someone left one, but it’s not there….if that makes any sense!
Thanks,
Hannah