Linsey Lanier
Sally Kilpatrick
Sia Huff
Romily Bernard
Darcy Crowder
Marilyn Baron
Tami Brothers
Sandra Elzie
Carol Burnside
Debbie Kaufman
Maxine Davis
Tammy Schubert
Susan Carlisle
Pam Asberry
Lindy Chaffin StartTill Death Do Us Part
Only neither one of us is dead.
My story begins on June 1, 2010, around 8:10 a.m. at the office. It was an average Tuesday, the first day after the long Memorial Day weekend. I called my husband to ask him to set aside some time for us to talk, and he said, “I quit”. At first, I didn’t understand. Quit what? I never got to finish my sentence, so my request for time could really have been about anything. A little clarification verified that his declaration meant he quit our marriage. This unexpected twist sent my world spinning out of control.
I grieved hard for two days. I mean ridiculously hard to the point of making myself sick. The initial state soon passed, and I was left in a state of shock I can’t quite describe. I’m actually still in it. All I can say is that it is like moving slowly through a fog on a major five lane highway where none of the cars were traveling under 70 miles per hour. Maybe a better way to describe it is that my head is spinning like the little toy tops you twist and put down on a table to watch spin. Only in this case, the top hasn’t stopped spinning. There have been moments of clarity, but they are few and far between.
After the initial announcement, I couldn’t think straight, fear of what was to come paralyzed me and had the dramatically increased anxiety continued for much longer, I probably would have had a heart attack. This all from someone who is a chronic list maker, who is extremely organized and action oriented when it comes to managing projects, problems and full blown crisis’s. All those skills seemed to desert me in my hour of need. So I did the only thing I could still manage. I prayed.
Many women go through the divorce process every year. It is the nightmare we never dreamed would happen. Luckily, my husband and I do not have children, which is a huge blessing under the circumstances. During the past two months, I have had to regain some semblance of control over my life. Losing total control of your world when all your future plans turn to ashes is scary. There are big decisions that have to be made, the basics-food, shelter, etc.- all have to be re-evaluated. There are so many issues that have to be addressed it is overwhelming. They can’t wait until your head stops spinning. Before you’re ready for them, you get hit in the face with many of these issues. I am going to share some advice that has helped me through.
SPECIAL NOTE
Before sharing, I have to stop and address victims of domestic violence. If you are in a situation where your safety or that or your kids is an issue, GET OUT! IF, and only IF you have time, grab your purse, throw essentials and key documents in a suitcase and GO! Otherwise, just get out of there!!!!! Do not waste your time following the advice I provide a little later in this post. Deal with that later. Personal safety is the most important thing you have to worry about right now.
Know that you do not deserve this treatment. It is not your fault. People are out there in the community who want to help. Give them a chance. If the police are involved at this point, they can hook you up with the local anti-domestic violence shelter. If they aren’t involved, call the crisis hotline number. They specialize in this area and have the resources to help you escape, recover and build a new life.
Do not panic if you have to cut and run without packing clothes, etc. Having worked in a shelter, I can tell you that if you show up with nothing, the organization has supplies on hand to tide you over for a bit. All you have to do is get there. The volunteers and staff will walk you through the rest.
NOW FOR THE ADVICE I MENTIONED
On the second day of my grieving, I literally had to sit down and think about how to approach this chaos. I even had to do a skills inventory to figure out how to even start. As stupid as this sounds, I could not think of anything I could do or talent that I had that would get me started. It took a few minutes to think about my resume. Then it hit me. I’m a list making queen. And so it began….
Ladies, the minute you realize you are in a divorce situation with no hope of reconciliation, get a notebook. Make sure it fits in your purse. Grab a purse-size calendar, pens and even a highlighter. If you are a sticky note person, get a handful. While you are in the worse phase of the shock and awe stage, you need to start the grieving process and pamper yourself for a few days. During this time, you carry your supplies with you. Keep them close.
The point of the notebook, especially the first few pages, is to write down everything you can think of that has to be dealt with in one form or fashion. Do not worry about organization, categorization or how insurmountable a task it seems. Just write every darn thing down. If something crosses your mind but you aren’t sure if you need to worry about it, write it down. The calendar is there for you to track appointments. The notebook and calendar are the key tools that will help keep you together.
Once you have started the list and have a few pages, a part of your thinking will shift. Your mind won’t be clear, but through the haze you realize you can cope. Your confidence will grow. After doing the list and pampering yourself for several days, it is time to do a list review. Go through everything you wrote down and start new pages sorting issues into categories. Think about priorities. What are the most important things that have to be handled right now? Now baby step your way through getting them done.
My issues required a lot of research. I spent the next week and a half investigating my options, talking to a professional at a bank about splitting accounts and things I needed to watch out for so the mess doesn’t become more complicated. Take good notes as you research. Get a folder to keep documents you collect along the way.
The items on the list do not have to be dealt with all at once. Do a few things each day no matter how small to move you forward. Eventually, you will get into a rhythm and getting answers, etc. will not seem so hard. If a task/issue is overwhelming, do what any good project manager does—make a sub list of all the tasks, documents, etc. that need to be handled to complete the master task. Remember you are baby stepping.
This post is getting a little long, so I am going to make a few quick points before I stop.
Do not waste your time fighting with your spouse over the failed relationship. Do not analyze what went wrong. Think forward. Make plans for your future. You are only hurting yourself if you dwell on the failed relationship. I cannot stress this point enough. Forward thinking only!!
Open up to your family and friends. Let them know what is going on. They will want to help you. Let them. I caution you though. Get some professional help from a counselor. If you work at a company that offers decent benefits, check out their employee assistance program. This plan offers free counseling sessions or severely discounted ones for a short period of time. Take advantage of it. Also check out your medical benefits. A lot of plans offer counseling. There is no shame in asking for help or needing to talk to someone outside the situation. Let the professional step through the process with you.
While you are working on all of this over the next few days, I will be working on my next post in this saga. The topic is going to be about women and finances. Scared yet? If you are like a large segment of women in our society, you should be. Even if you are in a happy and stable marriage, this topic is something you need to learn more about.
If you cannot wait until my next post, check out Dave Ramsey’s web site and his books. Since you have to move fast and gain a better understanding of money fast, get this book: The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Family’s Financial Health. You can worry about the Debt Snowball book later. Also check out Suze Orman’s web site. Get her book: Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny.
I’m scheduled to be back on August 19th. Please join me when we talk about money and planning.
Readers, if any of you have tips on how to get through these horrific first few days/weeks, please share.
Tags: advice, divorce, Tammy Schubert
About the author
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Tammy Schubert | http://www.tammyschubert.com |
August 5th, 2010 at 12:51 am
Oh, Tammy, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately and praying for you. You are a strong, attractive and resourceful woman. You will come through this beautifully. I just know it.
Blessings,
Carol
August 5th, 2010 at 7:13 am
You’ve made me teary-eyed, Tammy. But you’ve also inspired me. You are a model of the tough getting going when life gets tough. I really hate that you’re having to go through this, but you are proving yourself to be strong and resilient, and even in all this, thinking of others. Stay strong. My prayers are with you.
August 5th, 2010 at 8:07 am
Tammy, my thoughts and prayers are with you–and have been. You are something else, though. You’re already thinking about helping others, and I would still be in the Ben & Jerry’s stage. You are one special lady with some incredible advice.
August 5th, 2010 at 8:32 am
Tammy,
Thank you for opening your life to others and offering advice to others who might be in a bad situation.
I’ve never walked in your shoes, but as a former supervisor, I’ve heard too many stories that ring with the truth of your words. Thank you for adding the section about abused women…no one needs to be abused (physically or emotionally) and your advice was right on the mark of what I was taught to tell my employees.
Can’t wait for your next post…Dave Ramsey has an awesome plan and great advice. It works.
Know my prayers are added to those of your fellow blog sisters and your other supportive friends and family. We all love you.
Sandy
August 5th, 2010 at 9:51 am
Hey Tammy,
My heart goes out to you and like your other blog sisters; you have been in my prayers. I am proud of you for sharing this information for others that might be in a similar situation.
I’m working on reading the books you lent me, one of them being the Suze Orman book. I think everything you said about being prepared and financially smart, no matter how good a relationship, is spot on. I hate that you have to go through all of this in order to help others, but I’m thankful that you are willing to share your pain so that someone else might not feel like a small fish in a big ocean if it should ever happen to them.
Hugs!
8)
August 5th, 2010 at 9:54 am
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I will keep you in my prayers and will continue reading your advice. I also appreciate that you put in the special notice to victims of domestic violence. You are a giving and honorable person.
Hugs!
August 5th, 2010 at 10:20 am
I agree with Christine, but also you’re a hell of a lot nicer than I am. I’d have been securing the bank accounts, not splitting them, LOL! But, the less acrimony you can have, the better it is overall. I’ve just seen too many women find themselves the victims of their husband’s subterfuge with money before he made the big announcement.
I like your advice about moving forward, as it applies to so much in life. The best crisis advice I ever received was to keep things as normal and in your routine as possible. But, I bet you are having to invent all new routines in some areas. Bless you!
August 5th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Tammy,
You are such a strong person that I have no doubt you will make it and be an even stronger person for having gone through all of this.
Yes, you are in my thoughts and prayers too. Prayer helps all things.
Stay strong, hang in there and continue to not dwell on this. You are so very strong; you WILL come through! Thank you for sharing. You never know who needs this advice.
August 5th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Tammy,
I am so sorry you have to go through this horrible experience. From your blogging sister who is looking from the outside in, I see a beautiful, tremendously talented, extremely capable person who can surmount any obstacles. I know you will come out a winner because you already are.
You are also very brave to share your experiences so others might benefit.
From the experience of a friend of mine who went through the same thing, my advice would be to get a good lawyer to look out for your interests.
Your advice about financial knowledge is also good. I’m one of those “head in the sand” people who don’t have a clue what’s going on with our finances because my husband is so capable and handles everything, but if he weren’t around, I would be in trouble. He is always trying to teach me, show me where records are, etc. but I don’t have an interest. So don’t do as I do, do as I say. Learning how to cope now is good advice.
Thank you again for sharing with us. We are all here to support you.
Marilyn
August 5th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
Wow, Tammy, you go girl!
Having the rug snatched from under your feet, then stepping up and sharing your wealth of information with others is pretty darned remarkable.
I’m sad for your loss but standing on the sidelines cheering for your new goals to be accomplished.
Like Debbie, I would have marched straight to the bank! Too many of my friends have found that hubby beat them to it.
Three cheers for you and what you are doing to share your knowledge.
August 5th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I’m sorry for the pain you’re dealing with. You’re one strong lady to be helping others, whether you feel like it or not, & hopefully it’s helping you to cope.
God bless. And thank you for sharing your hard earned wisdom. I’ll be here for your next post– I do have much to learn.
August 5th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Ah, Tammy – that breaks my heart for you. I’ve never had to consider that situation so I’m not good for advice, but I would suggest you cancel all your credit cards and get one in your name only. Credit cards have turned a divorce into a worse nightmare when a someone you’re still legally connected to runs up a debt. It’s more complicated than that when there is a balance, but separate your credit as soon as you can.
You’re a strong and bright woman who will come through this just fine, but I hate that you have to suffer having to do so. As you see here, you are loved by many and we all look forward to the day you can look back from a better place and with a better partner. Hugs and love, D.
August 5th, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Tammy,
I’m so very, very sorry. I’m sure the news was incredibly devastating, and still is, but you seem to be handling things with grace and strength…even though it might not feel that way to you.
you are an amazing woman…really and truly.
This may not sound believable, but everything, and I mean everything, good and unfortunately bad, happens for a reason. we may not see, or accept the reason right away. It might even take years to make itself known, but every event in our lives has a purpose.
I know in my heart, you’ll be better for this.
My prayers are with you. Smile and love yourself…like I said, you are an amazing person…you’ll get through this.
Have a lovely afternoon,
Tamara
August 5th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Wow! Thank you all for your loving, supportive posts. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends.
I apologize for not being present today. It has been an exciting, long and emotional day for me. My time was spent preparing to move. The first stop was to do a walk through of the home I am purchasing. My friend and her husband came out to help look after my interests. If they had not been there, I would have missed so many little things the seller needed to fix before we close next Friday. Then there were all the smaller details I had to take care of and errands to run in preparation for the big day next week.
There is always good in the bad. The past two months have been the longest months of my life, yet they seem to have passed quickly if that makes sense. So much has changed, and I have learned so much about myself, people in general and so many other things. In two years of my fabulous graduate program, I did not learn nearly as much during that time as I have in the past two months. It’s been an interesting journey.
I hope none of you ever have to deal with divorce. When all this drama started to unfold, I contacted my dear friend Sandy. I wanted to know how she achieved such a wonderful marriage and has maintained it throughout the years. The bottom line to it is that it takes two parties who are committed to each other and willing to do the work marriage requires.
Although you may be in a good relationship, please join the financial discussion next time. It is not meant to be exclusively for women in crisis. In fact, I urge men to join us. They need to know about this, too. I admit though that my target audience is women because we have to talk about such a taboo topic – your money. Every woman needs to be involved in everything that impacts her financially. A foreign concept since all of the women I know are nurturers and put everyone before themselves. There won’t be time to go in great detail about the topic. My plan is to give you the overview and focus on a few specific pieces of information and they point you in the right direction to get the resources you need to move forward with your new plan. I look forwarding to chatting with you soon.
Your posts are so touching, and I just don’t know how to express just how much your friendship means to me. Thank you!
August 5th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Wow Tammy!
First off, I have to say “You poor baby!” Because I know that anyone going through what you’re going through does need a certain level of sympathy and petting.
The next thing I have to say is “You GO girl!” You sound like you are doing an awesome job of coping with this trauma and I am proud of you.
The next thing to say is “Been there, done that.” You ask for tips and ideas on how to get through it and so I’ll see what I can remember. You don’t share how many years you were married or if you knew there were problems. I was married for 12 years (after dating for 6!) and we had been going to counseling. (The counseling was my idea since he didn’t consider we had a problem.)
Just for some background: Like you, my end was sudden. He came home from work and said he’d decided he didn’t think he should be married, and if he was, he didn’t think it should be to me. I just stared at him as he said he’d pack some clothes an go to a hotel overnight. At that point, my anger started to kick in and I told him to pack more clothes because I didn’t want to see him for at least 3 days.
I have to say that unlike many of the mentions on here, and the stories, our divorce did end up being amazingly amicable. Once I was over the anger at him just giving up on us, I grew stronger. Like you, I found that this was an amazingly painful learning experience.
I survived and grew. Decided who I was inside. Now I’m so much better off than I was before my divorce.
My two best points of advice are these:
(1) Let people help you. A few weeks after that grand announcement, I was already scheduled to go on a trip with a friend in a group of about 40 people. My friend knew others on the trip and quietly spread the word about my situation. This amazing group of people quietly made sure I was invited and encouraged to group gatherings and that I always had someone to eat meals with. Don’t make the mistake of pushing people away “because you don’t want pity”… it isn’t that! It is that they care for you!
(2) Learn to love yourself. Figure out who you really are. This is a true time for this education because you are feeling stripped of your security. Learn who you really are and find out what you love about yourself. If there are things that you don’t love, then you should change them for yourself. NOT because you think you *should* and NOT because you think it is *expected*. Become the person you are proud to be inside and then you will be able to tackle the external things like skills and planning and moving on.
(At a much later time, when you (or anyone divorced) starts branching back into the world of men, I’d be glad to share my “Tips for the paranoid woman’s reentry into the modern scary world of dating.”)
Finally, I want to offer myself as a sounding board for you. If you want an opinion, or just someone to listen while you figure things out on your own, you are welcome to email me.
August 5th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Tammy,
You continue to impress me. Thanks for the wonderful advice. You are right, moving forward is the answer. We can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to. I know this is a cliche but “It’s his loss.” Thanks for being a part of the PFHT. You are to be admired and I’m glad to call you a friend.
August 6th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Pamela, I’m so sorry you had to go through this, too. Thank you for your advice.
My focus is on embracing new experiences, people and a new way of life. When this little drama started, I was stunned, awed and humbled to learn so many people cared. Some of the people who approached me to offer their support were individuals I thought didn’t even know I existed. You would think that strangers would offer the token, “let me know if I can help you” and leave it at that. No. This isn’t what happened. People I barely knew sincerely wanted to help. I had many invitations to take up residence with them until I got back on my feet or just to get away for a weekend.
When I am ready to start venturing out and dating again, I am going to need some of that advice you offered. It’s been a long time since I have been out there, and I know dating rules have evolved since then.
Right now I’m hurt and the anger started surfacing a couple of days ago. In a way, that’s a good thing. I’m moving through the grief process. There is even a part of me that is starting to fin peace with the situation.
Thank you for your support and friendship!
August 6th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Thank you, Susan. I feel very blessed to have such wonderful friends like you in my life.
August 6th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Tammy, I’m so terribly sorry you’ve had to deal with this. You are one of the most gentle, giving women I know and it boggles my mind why “he” didn’t get it.
What an inspiration you are to be able to even reach out to others this soon in the process. I’m praying for your continued healing and wishing you all happiness and success. What a privalege to count you among my PFHT sisters.