This post isn’t about hashing out marriage issues or bashing the soon-to-be ex. It is about the shocking realization that I un-empowered myself. At some point during the last nine years, I relinquished my personal power and financially acted like a woman I swore I would never become. I entrusted my future to a man I deeply believed I would be spending the rest of my life with—until death do us part because he was the financial guru in our house. Our entire long-term financial plan was built based on our life together without any consideration of the fact a woman needs to be prepared to stand on her own regardless of any heart-felt promise of “forever” and despite the fact the vows were spoken before family, friends, officials and God. I am in no way writing this in anger or from a point of bitterness. This post is just the facts as I have learned them this summer.

In today’s society, marriage vows are treated as throwaway words, meaning stand by your partner until the relationship needs some work, things get tough or something/someone else more interesting comes along. That, my friends, is the sad fact I learned while consulting with lawyers about the legal system in the conservative, Southern county where I live. Unless children are involved, nobody gives a darn about the deteriorated union. What matters is that the separation needs to be sorted out through the legal system, and that has dollar signs written all over it.  Don’t get me wrong. Lawyers are all happy to help. Some are very empathetic and helpful beyond the scope of their required work.

Despite any sympathetic ear you may stumble across in the system, never lose sight of the bottom line. Lawyers make lots of money off your duress. The more emotional it gets, the more you fight it out, it all comes down to the attorney making more money that comes out of your pocket. It’s a business deal for the attorney. You can’t fault them for that. While you are going through this process just remember that everyone involved wants “their share”. Work out the settlement between you and your spouse before getting the attorneys to negotiate for you if it is at all possible.

Back to my main point that I cannot stress enough, whether you are male, female, in a legally recognized union, or a relationship meant to be a marriage of the heart. Individuals must ensure that they are able to stand on their own two feet should their relationship dissolve.

For the purpose of this discussion, I am following Dave Ramsey’s advice. I am not going to chat about situations where there is a strong argument for hiding assets and stashing cash—and I do believe those situations exist. I have no personal experience with this and cannot speak responsibly about the issues involved, methodology or implications of actions taken in this regard.

Right after my husband said, “I quit”, I panicked. Where would I live? How much would it cost? etc, etc. My world spun out of control. The fact I bought into forever and his financial plan hit me hard. What was left to help me secure my financial future?

If you have a job that can sustain you, fantastic! If you do not, you have to find one. For some, this means picking up a second job until you are on your feet. Not desirable, but you can get through this.

Dave Ramsey provides us with a chart based on percentages of our salary he recommends allocating to different needs. Sit down with your calculator, the amount of money you take home every month, and start playing with the numbers. I added another column to the chart called “Reality”. This column includes the actual percentage of my salary I need in a specific category at this time. At first, this helps you get your financial situation in perspective. Then it helps guide you to bring your expenditures within the guidelines. Make adjustments where you can. Some changes will take time. It may seem overwhelming at first, but you have to start at some point. The sooner you begin, the better off you will be. So check out Dave’s recommendations:

Budget Categories	% From	% To	Reality
charity	0.10	0.15	0.0175
savings	0.10	0.15	0.1415
housing	0.25	0.35	0.4000
utilities	0.05	0.10	0.1300
Food	0.05	0.15	0.0740
Transportation (to savings)	0.02	0.07	0.0470
Clothing	0.10	0.15	0.0100
Medical	0.05	0.10	0.0500
Personal	0.05	0.10	0.0200
Recreation/Blow	0.05	0.10	0.0400
Puppy Expenses	0.02	0.05	0.0313
gas	0.05	0.10	0.0390

I added some percentages to the reality column just so you can get a realistic picture of how numbers can be juggled. You will note that I broke it down into smaller percentages that maybe you can afford at the time based on your take home pay each month. The goal is to bring these percentages within the recommended range and to increase savings.

Build up your emergency fund. Make the initial goal $1,000 to cover the unexpected. This gives you a little cushion. After that, contribute what you can each month. Make savings a habit. Pay yourself first. Think of it as one of the important monthly bills that must be met.

If you find you cannot cover all of the categories you are obligated to include, Dave has a plan to put the items in order of priority. The best source of information for you is his book:  The Financial Peace Planner: A Step-by-Step Guide to Restoring Your Family’s Financial Health.  While you are working towards building a new life, I highly recommend checking out Suze Orman’s web site. Get her book:  Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny. I view these books as an investment in the future. They are the types of books with solid, fundamental information a normal person can put to use. You don’t need a college degree in finance or accounting to understand anything they teach. I readily admit to being severely handicapped when it comes to math. Just the numbers make me hyperventilate, and my brain goes on alert and gets confused easily. Despite this, I have been able to understand and implement their teachings. If I can do it, I know you can do it.

This list gets you started. Naturally, some of your budget categories will be different. That is fine. The recommendations are flexible. This is just a place to get started.

Now, while you spend a few days playing with numbers, get a copy of your credit report. Find out where you really stand in the eyes of the financial world. Clean it up as best you can. Make a list of creditors that need to be addressed in the split.

Open your own saving and checking accounts if you don’t have them already. The only person on that account is you. No joint access. You are splitting, so get this handled now.

Start saving money for the move and new residence. If you are purchasing a home, there are expenses that come up you might not expect. For instance, an initial deposit has to be made. There is escrow you have to cover, closing costs, surveyor and inspection costs. If you are using the VA loan, you have to pay a funding fee, which is a certain percentage of the loan value. At the time of my closing, that was 2.1%. Yes, it can be rolled into the mortgage, but it is something you have to build into your plan. (Note:  There are special exceptions made for qualified veterans so this fee can be waived. If you served in a war zone and incurred an injury, definitely spend some time researching this.) If you are not using the VA loan, you have to pay PMI, which is mortgage insurance. This also rolls into the mortgage. Be mindful of these things as you begin your research. It will all come together for you. Knowing what to expect in advance is so much better than have it hit you in the middle of the process.

You will also have to start thinking about the future for yourself and your kids and any other dependants in your home. Do not forget a will. Dave can point you in the right direction. Think about college tuition that will need to be paid, your retirement, elderly care if your parents are depending on you.

All of this is overwhelming. Cramming it all into one post does not help decrease the anxiety I’m sure you are feeling. The best advice I can give you is to break it down into small pieces, deal with one or two things at a time, take baby steps and move forward slowly.

If you need support in all of this, tune into Dave Ramsey’s radio show. Listen to the advice he gives his callers, pay special attention to the calls from people reporting huge successes based off his no nonsense approach to financial freedom. You can find more information on his web site:   www.daveramsey.com

While you are at it, check out Suze Orman:  http://www.suzeorman.com/

There are so many little things to consider along the way, and then there is the future that needs to be planned. I cannot possibly touch on each of these issues in this post. Dave and Suze have the knowledge and resources to help you. To date, the only things I have purchased from them are the two books that I referenced above. Maybe you will need their other tools eventually, but you do not need them to get started pulling your financial life together.

I hope all of you take what I said to heart about ensuring your individual financial situation. This is something that benefits you and your family. Yes, keep your healthy marriage going. I’m not suggesting messing with that. All I am suggesting is working towards the ability to stand on your own two feet if something awful happens.

Tags: Dave Ramsey, divorce, personal finance, Suze Orman

About the author

Tammy Schubert | http://www.tammyschubert.com

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